Is Your Child’s “Bad” Behavior a Call for Attention & Acceptance?
Written By Marsha Austin
How would you answer this question: “Is your child good or bad?” “When are they good?” “When are they bad?”
When I asked myself this question, at first I felt that my answer was very “normal” and justified. My four-year-old daughter is “good” when she follows directions and “bad” when she is openly defiant. She’s “good” when she listens and responds to me and “bad” when she ignores me or is resistant. She’s “good” when she’s playing quietly. She’s “bad” when she’s running and jumping around the house and being noisy – especially when I’ve asked her to stop.
But then I heard Conscious Parenting Coach Karemi Alvarez say, in Soul Path Parenting Episode 39: Parenting Myth #3: There are Good Children and Bad Children, that parents often define a “good” child as one who is doing what we want them to do. And, when we look even deeper, we may see that what we want our child to do is simply our agenda, it’s what’s most convenient for us in that moment.
Ouch.
LISTEN TO THE SOUL PATH PARENTING PODCAST EPISODE HERE
I thought I was being a conscious parent by being careful not to openly label my daughter Lexi a “good girl” or “bad girl.” I even had my husband throw out the rewards chart with the gold stars that he hung on our refrigerator. I lectured him about the evils of making your child “earn” goodness and love.
But what I hadn’t realized is that I’d simply shifted that old, learned parenting behavior to labeling her behavior as “good” and “bad.” I was still giving her treats if she “behaved well.”
“What I have come to understand is that there are no good or bad children. There are compliant children, defiant children, and then there are authentic children,” says Lauren Conglianese, Certified Conscious Parenting Coach in Episode 39.
LISTEN TO THE SOUL PATH PARENTING PODCAST EPISODE HERE
My lightbulb went on when I finally had to admit to myself that I was shaping my child into a compliant child so that I could label her behavior – and therefore her – as “good.”
As in so many cases with Conscious Parenting, this situation triggered one of my core wounds in how I was parented.
Lexi is – and has been since she could open her mouth – an extraordinarily verbal child. I do not exaggerate when I say that from the moment she wakes up in the morning until she falls asleep at night, she does not stop talking, singing, or making sounds (imitating animals, musical instruments, or generally trying out the range and scope of her vocal cords).
I’m a working mom who is often juggling child care with professional responsibilities. The way I ground, center, recharge and focus myself is with privacy and silence. I am one of those people for whom a solo vacation to a remote island cottage or an off-the-grid wilderness cabin sounds like heaven on earth.
So you can imagine what it’s like in my house during my primary time with Lexi, which is generally after school for three to four hours until her dad gets home from his office. All I want is to throw on some spa music, take a hot bath and do a 45 minute meditation. Instead, I’ve got a hyper-amped preschooler who wants to play “you’re the two-year-old, mommy,” and treat me to an hour-long recorder concert (which she plays using her voice and a toilet paper tube.)
LISTEN TO THE SOUL PATH PARENTING PODCAST EPISODE HERE
In my house growing up, I remember being as open and creative and well-voiced as Lexi – at about her same age. But over time I somehow lost the performer. I don’t recall exactly when or where – it was probably more like a slow correction over time – but eventually I became more of a quiet, shy bookish type child. To this day, I still have a residual judgement that it’s embarrassing and not ok to be “that loud, over-expressed person.”
I remember my dad teaching me that it was better to listen than to speak. In some ways this is wisdom that’s served me well, but I had to wonder as I listened to the parenting coaches, was this my father’s way to trying to quiet my normal, childish imagination – and mouth – run wild?
My husband said to my daughter just this morning, when she was pretending to be a parrot and saying “Polly want a cracker” over and over again, “Parrot, stuff a sock in it.” She wasn’t so much bothering him, but he could see my nerves fraying.
Such a challenge! But what an opportunity for me to re-embrace messiness, full-self-expression, noise, and silliness.
I can see now that the more I try to muzzle Lexi, the louder and more “obnoxious” her antics get. I’ve also tried totally ignoring the noise and hoping that she’ll give up. But that rarely works either.
LISTEN TO THE SOUL PATH PARENTING PODCAST EPISODE HERE
What does work? I have to admit, I’ve known this all along, but I’ve been resisting because it’s not the answer I want: Presence. She wants my full attention and I’m rarely giving it to her.
Yes, as it almost always boils down to, the secret to honoring my child and myself is simply for me to stop what I am doing – checking my phone, emailing a client, emptying the dishwasher, chopping vegetables, and be with Lexi.
When I stop, listen, ask her questions and authentically enter her world, the extraneous and seemingly purposely “noisy” and over-active, defiant, stubborn “difficult” behavior stops. If I’m really listening, I can admit, that during those fussy times she will often say things like “I miss you,” “I just want you to play with me,” or the real heartbreakers “When’s daddy getting home?” or “Why doesn’t nanny come over anymore?”
There’s a magic in children because they have yet to be constrained by the outside world of expectations, deadlines, and judgements of “good” and “bad.” Our opportunity as parents is to answer their invitation to join them there. Often that’s all it takes for their behavior to settle itself.
Related Episode:
Author: Marsha Austin
Marsha is an award-winning journalist, content marketer, entrepreneur, and mother to a preschool-aged daughter. She loves diving deep into spiritual practices, while maintaining a light heart, and self-effacing sense of humor.
