How Giving Up Control Can Set Parents and Kids Free
Written By Marsha Austin
Giving up control is one of the hardest parenting traps for me to get out of. Growing up in a tumultuous and unstable household, tightly controlling my environment was a survival skill. Now that I’m the mother of a four-year-old, my impulse to involve myself in her environment and behavior is painfully clear.
And, as many of us were taught to believe, I feel compelled to shape her and her experiences in order to be a “responsible” and “involved” parent.
Yet, as Amy and Conscious Parenting Coaches Angelica Bastida and Kelly White O’Loughlin discuss in Episode 45: “Parenting Myth #7: Parents Need to Be in Control,” my meddling is not only unnecessary, but could actually be stifling my child’s authentic expression and actually causing some of her most frustrating behaviors, from stubborn resistance to anger and anxiety.
“Learning to give up control has been life transforming. I’ve learned that there’s much more in life than trying to manage it,” Bastida says. “Just being able to realize that you can’t control, except for your emotions and your behaviors, is so liberating. I can now let go and just be in flow.”
LISTEN TO THE SOUL PATH PARENTING EPISODE HERE
As is common in Conscious Parenting, inside this breakdown, there is opportunity for breakthrough.
“When we see our children’s acting out as an impetus for our own awakening, we absolve them of the burden of having to fix themselves,” according to Dr. Tsabary Shefali, author of The Awakened Parent, and creator of Conscious Parenting. “Instead, we embody the change their behavior triggers in us. In doing so, we become emotionally integrated and set our children free.”
I saw a chance to put Dr. Shefali’s wisdom into action and heal one of the most stressful parts of my family’s daily routine by busting Myth #7. Here’s what happened.
My husband is a typical Type A overachiever and his modus operandi is to move fast, multi-task and never get caught flat footed. I’m a working mom who believes “work-life balance” is an impossible myth. Our daughter Lexi attends a Buddhist-based pre-school where each child’s discovery of the present moment is honored.
Needless to say, getting out the door in the morning is a place where worlds collide. If you’ve ever attempted to get a child under the age of five out the door in less than 20 minutes, you will understand.
The more my husband and I tried to control the process – imagine me pulling on her shirt, pants and socks while she’s standing on a bar stool, taking the last bites of her breakfast, regaling us with her imaginary friend’s latest adventures while my husband barks out the number of minutes left until “go time” with the promise of m&m’s for the road for those who make it.
LISTEN TO THE SOUL PATH PARENTING EPISODE HERE
Then, inevitably, Lexi wriggles away to run around the house pantless looking for a stuffed animal or doll and inviting us into a game of hide-and-seek. You can see the proverbial steam coming out my husband’s ears. Sometimes, he’s out the door, and I’m left in charge of corralling the renegade preschooler. I don’t like to admit it, but there have been a couple of occasions where I’ve scooped her up despite her tears and protests and forced her into her car seat.
In the spirit of giving up control, I decided to make and agreement with my husband that we would get up a bit earlier, giving ourselves more space and time. We started making Lexi’s school lunches ahead of time. I sometimes waited to shower until they were out of the house (I work in a home office). Our intention was to allow Lexi the space to explore her world, story-tell, wander, dress herself and get to the car in a way where – to the best of our ability – her pacing is honored.
While we have not been perfect in our adherence to these guidelines, we’ve experienced significant improvement in Lexi’s way of being and behaving each morning, and my husband and I are far less stressed.
I noticed that when I stopped demanding and commanding, I started inviting and exploring. I began to shift from authority figure to partner and guide, as Dr. Shefali says.
It’s as if as we unwound ourselves and let go of our unrealistic expectations and demands, our daughter relaxed and the obstinacy and resistance that was taking up so much time began to evaporate. Extra space and time seemed to magically appear. And my guilt melted away.
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Author: Marsha Austin
Marsha is an award-winning journalist, content marketer, entrepreneur, and mother to a preschool-aged daughter. She loves diving deep into spiritual practices, while maintaining a light heart, and self-effacing sense of humor.
