How Embracing Pain Transformed My Parenting
Written By Marsha Austin
I experienced a deeply painful turning point in my life this past summer. Before that, I definitely fell into the parenting pitfall of coddling my young daughter, protecting her from feeling frustrated, sad and even angry, at every turn.
I was under the spell of Conscious Parenting Myth #6: Parenting is About Raising a Happy Child. I had a rough childhood where I experienced a lot of loss and suffering and I thought the best thing I could do for my daughter was to protect her from what I experienced. I was the quintessential “helicopter mom.”
I also hadn’t, even after years of being a complete self-help junkie, found an antidote to my deepest insecurities.
As Conscious Parenting Coach Tia Fagan explains in Soul Path Parenting “Episode 43: Parenting Myth #6: Parenting Is About Raising a Happy Child”: “We want our kids to be happy because we don’t know how to deal with our own anxiety, our own fears.”
LISTEN TO THE SOUL PATH PARENTING PODCAST EPISODE HERE
After my encounter with what Conscious Parenting creator Dr. Shefali Tsabary calls the “portal of transformation” that is present in the midst of a painful challenge, my parenting underwent a major shift. Ironically, what healed my fear was directly experiencing what I was the most afraid of, and then some.
I found that staring down my greatest fears, and finally choosing gratitude in my darkest moment instead of seeking relief in avoiding feeling, viscerally re-wired me.
I now know that on the other side of what I once perceived as the deepest possible pain, is actually infinite love and grace. I also directly experienced massive uncomfortability opening for me the opportunity to offer myself to be transformed in a way where I gained a permanent peace and serenity.
The funny thing is, I had worked for that kind of “Zen-ness” for years as a yogi and spiritual “seeker,” but never seemed to be able to maintain it consistently. I’m not saying you should cause a painful event to happen. But if you can actively dive into your fears and challenges with a new perspective, one that first says, “thank you for my suffering,” and then can be open to hearing what the lesson is inside that difficult place, you will shift, not only your experience of life, but your child’s experience too.
LISTEN TO THE SOUL PATH PARENTING PODCAST EPISODE HERE
With my daughter, where I used to swoop in with hugs, treats or a distraction, I now find that I can simply observe her emotions from a distance without feeling that I’m harming her.
And I can hold still and allow her to explore her uncomfortable feelings as if I’m handing her a gift, not a punishment.
As Fagan so eloquently describes in Episode 43, “When we’re wanting our child to be happy, we’re missing all the beauty of the world. Because there’s beauty in pain, sadness, frustration. That’s how we build resilience and grit. That’s how we teach our children that all emotions are healthy.”
LISTEN TO THE SOUL PATH PARENTING PODCAST EPISODE HERE
I’ve also been exposing my daughter to the power of gratitude as a daily practice. I participate in a women’s online gratitude accountability group and my daughter sees me filming my gratitudes and listening to the gratitudes of others on a weekly basis. She often chimes in with what she’s grateful for. The intention is to have her begin to automatically cultivate an appreciation for the present moment, instead of seeking happiness in future outcomes or only in specific achievements or accolades.
I love how Dr. Shefali Tsabary describes this practice in her book on Conscious Parenting, “The Awakened Family.”
“What if dancing the waves of life, riding its ebb and flow, is the actual point of life, as opposed to avoidance of these things?” she asks us. “What if the art of living meaningfully lies in embracing both the peaks and the troughs?
Now, when my daughter, husband and I look at our daily experiences, while we certainly aren’t to a point where we actively invite in painful feelings, we can approach the inevitable ups and downs with a spirit of play, thankful that we have waves to ride that are making our journey interesting and shaping us in ways that we would miss out on if we shied away from feeling uncomfortable.
Gratitude is the softener that helps us meet and accept the people, places and things in our lives with grace.
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Author: Marsha Austin
Marsha is an award-winning journalist, content marketer, entrepreneur, and mother to a preschool-aged daughter. She loves diving deep into spiritual practices, while maintaining a light heart, and self-effacing sense of humor.
